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Our therapists at Star Point Counseling Center with teach our couples who come in for couples counseling or marriage counseling these 10 Steps for Discussing the Trivial to the Traumatic with your Partner
Get comfortable – and if it’s a difficult topic you plan to discuss, someplace relatively “neutral” works best. Don’t talk about money in bed, for instance.
Give your partner your full attention. Turn off or put down any distracting technology. Lean in towards your partner a little bit. Let your body language send a message of connection–especially if you are concerned that topic may create distance, at first.
Look at your partner and make eye contact. Don’t try and “stare down” your partner, but don’t send a message that you’re afraid to face your partner, either. If your eyes wander, bring them back to your partner’s face.
Open up with an “I statement” that takes the pressure off your partner. This doesn’t mean something like “I need you to change,” either! Own your own feelings and use language that indicates your awareness that each of us is responsible for our own thoughts and behavior.
Invite your partner to share her perceptions that the use an open question (one that doesn’t invite a one- or two-word answer).
Don’t interrupt! Stay focused, attentive, and connected. Even if you particularly like or simply don’t agree with what is being said. Hang in there and keep your focus on the overarching goal of honest communication—a better relationship.
Reflect back to your partner what you think your partner is saying—check in with your partner to make sure you are hearing the overall message, not just the words. Check back in with your partner, “What I hear you saying is…” or “If I understand you correctly, then I think you feel…” This lets your partner know that you really care about the message being conveyed and that you are invested in making sure you heard it accurately. It also helps you empathize with your partner's perspective -- it's amazing how different a relationship can look to two different people!
Use collaborative language and recognize that when the two of you are in a room, there’s a third entity present—the relationship. Couples counselors are taught that working with a couple means there are “three clients in the room, each member of the couple and the relationship itself.” What you or your partner thinks “best” for yourselves or one another may not reflect what is “best” for the relationship.
If there’s a problem that you are trying to solve, communicate your ideas for solutions with tentativeness. Maybe something like, “Well, perhaps we could try…” Or, “What if I did ... and you did ..." Or, maybe even better yet, “I’m stuck. What do you think we need to do next?”
Keep the communication flowing, be willing to listen, make sure you are really hearing the message your partner is sending, and don’t be afraid to say you don’t know.
At Star Point Counseling Center in Tampa, South Tampa, Hyde Park, Gibsonton, Riverview, Lithia, Ruskin, Apollo Beach, Brandon, Seffner, Valrico, Dover & Plant City our therapists offer marriage therapy to couples looking for couples therapy or marriage therapy and help them with healthy communication.
813-244-1251
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